New Years’ Eve: Angst: mixed with a heavy dose of hope. Here we are at the end of 2022. What are you thinking about?
I am thinking about the future. I guess that’s date appropriate, but largely, I’ve been processing losses – current and ancient – in 2022, and I’m so weary of that.
One of the integrations we make as adults is learning to live with hope, pain, loss, sorrow, and planning for a better future (whether we get one or not) all at the same time.
When I was a chaplain, one of my most memorable patients was a young woman diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She had a 14-year-old daughter. Her goal was to live long enough to see her daughter launch into adulthood.
What was extraordinary about this woman was her full embodiment of grace. She both was hopeful she would live longer than expected and realistic that she could die soon. Her smile contained both the sorrow of being gravely ill and full hope that she’d be able to navigate at least a few more years of life. When I entered her room, I felt like I was stepping into the inner sanctum of what was truly holy. Her unremitting embrace of reality with total openness and acceptance touched everyone, and people were changed being around her. If we can actually reach “enlightenment,” it seemed to me that she had made it.
I am more flawed than that. Here is what I’m thinking about:
1. Delayed (broken) promises: I made some quilts for my newborn grandson that I never finished. In the meantime, life and work got in the way. It has taken longer than I thought to renovate my fixer-upper and do the final unpacking – including my sewing machine – that I thought would be done by now. I’m still working on it. Also, Ed, your Baltimore Orioles scarf, I never finished it. I think about that too often. I will. You may get it ten years from now, but I will. (I hope)
2. Abandoning a client I loved: I recently ended a relationship with a client I had taken on for half of my standard fee because I wanted to help them, and they didn’t want to spend the money services usually cost. The first eight months were productive. Then the abuse started. What I learned is that I don’t protect myself well. I bury down into doing the best work I can, fighting dissension with more information and better solutions. But I don’t have total control over relationships, and I am responsible for taking care of myself. I stayed longer than I should have, and it affected my health. Deciding to leave brought up all kinds of feelings, and I’ve had to take another look at my childhood. I worked hard to stabilize my very dysfunctional home. It didn’t work. I could not change my mother’s behavior. But way back in my mind, I thought if I just worked harder, did things better, figured out what she wanted, and could give it to her, I could make her happy. I was playing this out again with this client. I still feel like I abandoned them and fantasize about how I could still be helpful without drawing the abuse. My adult self says, give it up, grieve the loss, and don’t go back.
3. My health: I lost 70 pounds a few years back. This weight loss followed a switch to a diet of only unprocessed foods after a re-diagnosis of asthma to severe acid reflux. Even though I’ve left behind a lot of sugar and other fluffy foods, pounds have started to creep back on – about 15 of them. I’m not exercising regularly. I want to start strength training and daily cardio. I’m worried I won’t follow through.
4. My kids: I’m at that weird part of life when my kids are so involved in their adult lives that I rarely hear from them unless I reach out. If you’ve been a parent, I don’t need to tell you what it’s like to invest your whole life in their upbringing (for me, 27 years of active parenting) and then feel like they aren’t even interested in you anymore. I still have a good relationship with my boys. I spent Christmas with them, and it was lovely. My oldest son is to the point that he is circling back and wanting to be closer. These life cycles are both lonely and reassuring.
5. Seedbop: I started seedbop six months ago, knowing it would be a long haul until it began to make some money. I just engaged a coach and am learning so much about myself, how businesses are this weird, wonderful journey where you start with some expectations, fear, and energy and then have to adapt, adapt, adapt as you learn more, and move forward. I’m at the point where the upbeat energy that propels you forward on a new venture has worn off. I am working on a routine to keep evolving until it takes hold. Fear, hope, discouragement, and persistence are all parts of that journey.
So where are you at? Really? Pop culture would have you thinking it’s all about making resolutions and developing new habits. Losing weight, eating better, doing work/life balance better. Yes, good things to work on, but… life is more complicated than that. We make hopeful promises and then can’t fulfill them. We watch those extra pounds creep back even though we thought, this time, they wouldn’t. We see relationships transform in ways that can be delightful or devastating. And we go on, traveling down the path of the future, grieving our losses and hopefully navigating to …. (fill in your blank)…
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